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One of my favorite movie quotes comes from the movie, “The Other Guys.” Mark Wahlberg, a washed up angry cop who is trying to prove that he’s got what it takes and Will Ferrell, a passive desk jockey, are partners who just don’t work well with each other. On one occasion, Wahlberg’s character, in a failed attempt at dealing with his emotions, picks up his computer monitor and throws it on the ground. Will Ferrell’s character yells in disbelief, “I feel like I’m partners with The Incredible Hulk!.” Hilarious!

Do you want to know what it feels like to be partners with the Incredible Hulk? Have a relationship with someone that suffers from depression. Whether it is a parent, a spouse, a child, a friend, or yourself… when depression takes over, you can no longer differentiate between the man/woman and the beast.

Depression has a funny way of sneaking up on you. Like The Hulk, you can take precautions to manage the beast, medication, therapy, meditation, or positive thinking. But regardless of how hard you work to tame the beast, it is always living inside you. All it takes is one trigger, maybe something as simple as the change of the season, for depression to unleash itself on you and the people that you love. The funny part about it is that it is always a surprise. Although you know it is there you fail to recognize the signs and before you know it you are in full beast mode destroying yourself and the people that love you. It isn’t until Bruce Banner returns that you realize, “Oh shit, I think I’m going through a cycle of depression, let me utilize my tools.” If you are lucky, the tornado of destruction you have left behind you didn’t damage to much and the people that you lashed out at are understanding to your situation and there to help you clean things up.

I have been wanting to write a post about depression for a while now. I think mental health is important and that we can learn from other peoples experiences. I dare you to show me one person who has not been touched by depression in some form or another. I think it is important to be open about mental health. If you are on medication, good for you! Don’t be ashamed, be proud of yourself for taking the steps to getting better. If you are in therapy, congrats! You are one step closer to dealing with your pain in a healthy way.

Regardless of what is causing your pain, you are never alone. Pain is pain. It sucks. You feel like your life is over, no one cares, you will never make it, and you are a terrible person…

I have experienced my fair share of pain and grief, and yeah sometimes I want to yell at the god I don’t believe in and say, “Isn’t this enough already?! Are we playing Uno?  Because it sure feels like everyone is skipping and reversing back to me!” I can’t blame anyone for the pain I have experienced but I am sure as hell allowed to be upset about it. I can say that my pain has made me stronger and has turned me into the person that I am today. I have felt shattered. Each time it breaks you, you have to glue yourself back together again. You will become whole again, but you will always carry those cracks. In some cases those cracks add character. Do I wish I wasn’t a product of my experiences? Sure, but I can tell you that I would not have been prepared to deal with what life has thrown at me without them.

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Have you heard of causal carpool? Well, up until today I have never heard of it and when it was explained to me it literally blew my mind. If you are not familiar with it, I’m going to break it down really quick. Basically if you live in the East Bay and you are commuting to SF, you can save money by waiting in line for a ride across the Bay Bridge so the driver can in turn take the carpool lane and save money on bridge fare. Essentially, you are the commuter version of a hooker…

No but really, think about it. You are standing on a street corner, waiting for a stranger to come pick you up in their car. You get your ride to work and they get to use you for the carpool lane and a buck towards the bridge fare. Quid pro quo at its finest. But if the similarities to being a common street worker were not obviously enough, there are also guidelines and rules of the road you are expected to follow.

Here are just a couple:

– First come, first served. Riders should stay in the queue. Be polite. (Wait your turn bitches)

– Same thing for drivers: Don’t drive around the neighborhood looking for riders who are heading for the carpool pickup point. (No trolling the streets, pick up only in the designated district)

– No talking during the ride, unless it’s initiated by the driver. (What was Julia Roberts rule in Pretty Woman? Oh wait, that was no kissing on the mouth. Totes different.)

OK, so enough with the comparisons the common street walker, here was what I just couldn’t get my head around. This is a breeding ground for a serial killer! Granted I’m aware that this hippie way of doing things has been working for the last 30 years and it has to be relatively safe otherwise people wouldn’t be do in it. But, COME ON! There has to be some undercover crime ring at work around this, or disappearancescarjacking! (Wait, have I read this book? Probably.)

So, I just spend a good 5 minutes intensely combing the internet to see if I could find any statistics. What did I find? Absolutely nothing! I’m sure crime surrounding casual carpool exists but to my dismay I couldn’t find any information on a carpool killer or car boosting ring. A girl can dream.

What are your thoughts on hopping into a car with a strange and going for a little ride?

I will tell you one thing. I would get in the car with this lovable sociopath anywhere, anytime.

PS. This is not at all an endorsement for serial killers, so if you are a serial killer and you are reading my blog, leave casual carpool alone.

Back in the day when I read Teen Beat, Tiger Beat, and Bop magazines I had a calendar that listed celebrity birthdays. Every year, when I would look up my birthday there was always one celebrity listed as sharing my birthday. To this day I will never forget who it is, at the time he went by Marky Mark… today he is Mark Wahlberg.

Today, all you need is a quick internet search to see who shares your birthday. Come to find out, I share my birthday with the following celebrities:

Kenny G

Wayne Brady

Bright McKnight

Suzy Orman

Pete Wentz

However, I never felt the connection  quite like I did with Mark Wahlberg. Therefore I dedicate today’s blog to Mark (first name basis, people) and his fine ass self. In his honor, I would like to share my top 5 movies staring Mr. Funk Bunch. Let me prefix this by saying that I haven’t seen The Fighter or The Departed, so I don’t want to hear it.

Fear: Young Mark W playing a sexy psychopath. I found this scene to be extra disturbing, and I loved that Always Sunny in Philadelphia spoofed it. In case you are not familiar, this is when he punches himself in the chest to frame his g/f’s dad.

The Other Guys: I think Mark W is hilarious in this movie. Especially when he loses his shit and starts throwing things. The back and forth with him and Ferrell is great.

The Italian Job: The Italian Job is the movie that really put Mark W back on my radar. He was a sexy criminal getting revenge.

Four Brothers: Another movie where he plays a sexy criminal getting revenge. Only this time he is poor and adopted.

The Perfect Storm: Let’s face it, it’s the beard.


Happy Birthday Mark Wahlberg, you are a sexy beast!

Every few years you have a birthday that just brings you down. When I turned 25, I cried. I don’t remember why, or what was going on at the time, I just knew that I wasn’t happy about it and it sucked. This year I’m turning 28, and it isn’t so much that I’m down about it, I just don’t really care. Perhaps it is everything that I have been through this past year; in comparison my birthday just seems trivial.

Now, I may joke about turning “old” and over the weekend all three of the following sentences did come out of my mouth.

1. When asked if I wanted to go into the mosh pit, I responded with: “I don’t have the money to pay for the hospital bill.”

2. “I’m about to work on my puzzle.” (As in jigsaw)

3. “Huh, I’m tired and feel like crap after last night. I’m hung-over and I didn’t even drink.”

I really am a believer that you are only as old as you feel. However, in my case, I’m only as old as I act, and I act like a 13 years old boy.

Here are 10 reasons why I have a teenage boy in me. (That’s what she said, that’s #3)

1. I purchased pieces of my wardrobe from the boys department. (Where else am I going to find a vintage Avengers screen print hoodie in my size.)

2. I love a good poop joke. (Come on… poop is hilarious.)

3. I giggle when I hear “hard” or “hole” in a sentence. (I’m currently reading a book where the main character is a detective named Harry Hole… just typing it makes me laugh.)

4. I still watch cartoons. (I’m not just talking about the Sunday night line up on Fox. I’m talking the Cartoon Network and Boomerang. Now, I could just say it’s because I have an eight year old in the house, but that would be a lie. Half the time she isn’t even around when I’m watching them.)

5. I own way too many Harry Potter, super hero, and nerd shirts.

6. My idea of a good time is laser tag and movie theater popcorn.

7. I swear a lot. (I mean a lot…)

8. I hump things for a laugh. (Because it’s funny.)

9. Half of the time my comeback for an insult is … your mom.

10. I look at boobs. (Clearly since I purchase clothing in the boys dept, I’m built like one. Therefore, I look at boobs because I admire what I don’t have. I would say this is why a 13 year old boy looks at them too.)

The other day i was in the shower and i was thinking about a series of text messages I had just recently shared with one of my best friends. Then it dawned on me.. we are absolutely ridiculous and we spend way to much time texting about things that other people would find completely mundane and and a waste of time.

Therefore I’m going to share some of these conversations with you.

Enjoy wasting your time, we truly are masters of conversation.

Conversation #1

PizzaWhore- That girl Precious is on Watch What Happens Live with James Vander B and she is really funny…
DaniLogan- I heard she was really funny
PizzaWhore- She’s like us, really into pop culture and loves NSYNC!
DaniLogan- Haha. Is it on later?
PizzaWhore- I’m sure.
DaniLogan- Watching South Park
PizzaWhore- I bought a new sheet set at Macy’s and I need to put it on my bed but I’m so lazy.

Conversation #2

PizzaWhore- So it looks like Mr. Chris Pine might be playing Mr. Christian Grey
DaniLogan- At first I thought you said Chris Klein.. I was like, oh god. But I can get down with some Capt. Kirk.
PizzaWhore- I believe it is a good fit…
DaniLogan- They are going to have to cut out a lot of sex and add to the story. The first book accomplishes very little.
PizzaWhore- In part of the 3rd book they tell you the story of when they first met in Christian’s perspective. I think it is the best part.
DaniLogan- I’m waiting on book 2
PizzaWhore- You can have mine
DaniLogan- I already ordered it from the library.

Conversation #3

PizzaWhore- You know why I don’t like Elena? Because if you really love someone, you don’t fall in love with their brother.
DaniLogan- I agree. I’m behind. Don’t ruin it.
DaniLogan- Community was great too!
PizzaWhore- Oh I’m excited. You have to get caught up on vampire diaries, I can’t be the only one crying here.

One hour later:

DaniLogan- Fucking Rob Lowe… So funny
PizzaWhore- Excited!
PizzaWhore- Ron reminds me of a 70’s porn star… I would like to date him.
DaniLogan- I want him to be my dad
PizzaWhore- LOL, you would be my step-daughter
DaniLogan- Awesome

One hour later:
DaniLogan- While I was in the shower, I decided that I’m going to post our text conversations on my blog. What do you want your pen name to be?
PizzaWhore- BlondeBeauty… pizzawhore..mrs.gray…fish&chips
DaniLogan- pizzawhore it is..

I’m obsessed with treasure hunting shows.

Not the, “Arrrgg me treasure” with pirates and planks. (Who am I kidding, I would totally watch that.) I’m talking about the shows where people dig through junk to find cool things for little or no money. Granted, even though some of these shows are set ups and reenactments, I still enjoy them none the less… i.e. American Pickers, Storage Wars, Antique Roadshow, Auction Kings, and Auction Hunters.

In relation to that I’m obsessed with blogs that take old things and make them fresh and new again. Whether it is clothing, furniture, jewelry, or anything else for that matter. I think when it all comes down to it, I’m cheap and I like the character old things can bring to a room.

So, why am I telling you all of this? It is because I’m going to start my first segment, here on Becoming Dani Logan. Called.. you guest it, Treasure Hunting with Dani Logan. I love me a thrift store and I frequent them regularly. I did some great thrift store shopping when I was planning my wedding, but now I look only for treasures. Lately, the husband and I have been checking out the weekend garage sales in our neighborhood.

Hear are our finds.

1.  Rod iron candelabra wall hanging, that holds 9 candles- $5.

It was pretty dirty when we got it home but I cleaned it and its pretty damn cool. We have the prefect place to hang it, we just need to get some weighted wall anchors, because that bitch is heavy.

2. Nintendo Game Cube system with two controllers, a memory card, and Resident Evil 2- $10.

The husband got nostalgic when he saw this and we couldn’t pass it up for 10 bucks. We headed to Game Stop where we picked up 4 games for $20, and we have been playing it all week. All together, $30 for hours upon hours of entertainment.

3. Gray Pumps- $5

There really is no rhyme or reason to this purchase. They look like they have never been wore, they are my size, and they are gray. I’m thinking I will get some good wear out of them.

Stay tuned for more!

This past weekend i attempted to return a gift that my step-daughter received for her birthday at Target, without a receipt. In most cases, if a company takes a return without a receipt, it is usually for the current retail value of the item. Apparently, I have never returned anything at Target without a receipt, because I was informed that although it was $31, I will only get a $25 credit, since at one point it was on sale. To be honest, I think this is a great return policy. I worked in retail management for years and nothing is more frustrating than taking back items without a receipt (granted in my experiences, they were usually stolen). My problem with this situation  is that they could not provide this policy in writing. I asked was to see it in writing, and I was told to go online, and if i had a problem with the policy, they could always refuse to take back the item all together. Needless to say, this isn’t over.

Working on my revenge has brought up a lot of my retail resentment and I decided to channel that into a list of tips for the retail customer. These tips are meant to help you get what you want without compromising your integrity. Remember, customer service professionals are people who deserve to be treated with respect… however, if they are complete assholes they deserve to pay for being dicks.

Dani Logan’s Tip’s For The Retail Customer

1. Always ask to speak to a manager.

If you have an issue that has to do with quality or cost, ask to speak to a manager. A customer service rep has no authority to grant discounts or wave store policy.

2. Don’t ask them to check in the back.

If you are in a store and they don’t have anymore of the item that you are looking for, ask for assistance. If they do not offer to check in the back,  they believe that they do not have the item in stock. Don’t insist that they check the back after they tell you that they do not have it, you are just giving them an opportunity to check their texts and have a snack.

3. Don’t be an asshole to people who have access to your personal information.

This one always blew me away. I worked for a company that required you to place orders for large items. We would take down customers phone and address information. On top of that, we were able to look up transactions on the back end that contained full credit card numbers. So, why in your right mind, would you ever be a dick and threaten someone who has direct access to your personal information. The closet I ever came to using personal information was when I was contemplating sending Christmas cards to customers. I had planned on wishing them a Happy Holiday/ you are an asshole Happy New Year. Unfortunately, I never followed through.

4. Get off your cell phone.

I made it a point to avoid the cash wrap if the person waiting was on their cell phone. It is rude and disrespectful. On time I had a woman standing at the cash wrap for a good 10-15 min, who wanted to exchange candles. She got tired of waiting and switched them out herself. I chased her down to inform her that we had to do a transaction. She said she was waiting (still on her phone), I informed her that I wanted to give her time to finish her phone call, and that the candles she was purchasing cost more than the ones she was retuning, therefore she was stealing. That was when she got off the phone.

5. The price displayed is what you pay.

If the cost of an item is more than what it is marked, by law you should receive said item for the lowest marked price. The other side of this is, always read the sales signs. They are specific for a reason, don’t try to get a discount on something because there was a sales sign 2 ft away from it. Read the sign!

6. If you are going to complain don’t call the 1-800 number.

We all know that if you call the customer service line for a big box retailer you will most likely end up speaking to someone in another country. If this is the case, then you have a better shot at getting your way by tracking down the district/regional managers information.

7. Most service professionals hate you.

Please remember that it truly sucks to work retail. You get shitty wages, people are trying to steal from you- then returning those stolen items on a daily basis, the hire ups keep pushing their shitty strategy on you since regardless of the economy you are expected to make your numbers, and you are forced to convince people to buy things they don’t need. On top of all that you get treated like shit by the public since it is your job to serve them.

8. The nicer you are, the better service you will receive.

My 7th grade English teacher taught me that, “you get more with sugar, than you get with shit.” The nicer and more understanding you are, the more likely a manager will be willing to bend a policy. Also, if you are a repeat customer, you want to be remembered for being a sweetheart, not an asshole. You will receive much better service.

9. It is OK to call customer service when you have a great shopping experience.

This one really gets me. People are so quick to write and angry letter when they get terrible service (me included). But, how many people send letters to corporate when they receive exceptional customer service? I make it a point to send letters and inform managers when I receive good service. It sucks to work in an industry where you only get personal attention when  someone doesn’t like you.

10. The can always make an exception.

This is a big one, because it is true. A manger can always break a “rule” if they want too. Whether or not they want to, comes down to two situations. One being that you are very nice and understanding and you ask if they would be willing to make an exception for blah blah blah reason. The other is you become such a bitch/asshole that they make the exception so you will go away. Unfortunately, it will usually come down to the second scenario. But, at least try to be nice before you become a dick. It also helps if you have a legit reason for being upset.

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